Forward

Dedicated to my best friend, my other half, and my soul dog, Jekyll.

The dense, heavy air stifles my breath—a sinking sensation coils in the deepest recesses of my gut, warning me not to look forward.

The future—so uncertain, so blurry… like a canvas with only a few smudges, patiently waiting to be shaped into a picture. The bland colors streak across the empty background, searching for their cue to transform—to transcend into something new. Something real and palpable, designing a new reality by the hand of an unknown creator.

But for now, its emptiness rings in a daunting, hollow, resounding quiet. A silence so loud it’s deafening.

Piercing.

Unbearable.

The lights grow dim before me, the room darkening before my eyes into a pitch-black, all-consuming emptiness. The world begins to dissipate into the void, limiting visibility and leaving me disoriented.

A small halo of light remains, refraining the darkness and providing a path, though it flickers and struggles to maintain its once-brilliant glow. And yet, the faint remnant of a dying light offers a suggestion.

There is only one direction to go, and yet infinite paths available: forward.

But I don’t want to move forward. I want to stay here, in this moment—in safety, comfort, and familiarity.

The darkness no longer frightens me. It’s what lies beyond that strikes fear into the essence of my soul—what seizes my chest and steals the air from my lungs. What causes my heart to falter and fuels the tears that cannot be contained as they paint the delicate, raw skin of my cheeks. The unrelenting anguish that lingers through the night and stretches into the day.

Residing within that darkness are horrors unknown. Lives that will come to pass, regrets waiting to take shape, and grief—unbearable, heart-wrenching grief that ushers in a pain like no other. A pain that cannot be soothed, cannot be silenced, cannot be healed—forever remaining a permanent installation in the ruined cavities of my soul.

But no matter how deeply I desire to remain stationary… to remain stagnant—an uncontrollable force lingers behind me, ever so slowly pushing me into the deepest depths, one step at a time. Its constant pressure remains, regardless of the countless hours spent gripping tighter to the life I know.

Like sand through my fingers, no amount of strength can stop the inevitable, and what we will be left with are the thoughtful remnants of what once was.

And so, I take a step. And another again. Knowing within myself that the future I so desperately want to avoid nears with each passing second.

The weight of each step increases until I am reduced to a crawl, grappling with the floor to move forward—like a nightmare where escape is impossible, where I cannot move, cannot scream. I am tethered to the earth, weighted down by invisible hands. And still, my voice catches in my throat, strangled before the slightest sound can escape my contorted, gaping mouth.

I pause, defeated, my forehead grazing the frigid ground, fingers raking back through my hair and gripping tightly—pulling as my chest pounds uncontrollably.

Anxiety swirls and nausea grows within me in a dizzying spiral. Oh, what I would give to change the fate before me. What I would sacrifice to alter course—to escape the collision destined to shatter everything.

The moment of no return draws near.

Like a lost puppy abandoned by its owners, left in the field with nowhere to turn, feeling the loss of everything it’s ever known or loved – I crumble.

I am powerless.

I am hopeless.

I am scared.

I move forward.